“If I say no, the other person will think less of me.”
What really keeps you from saying “no” when you want to? It is not meeting the other person’s expectations of you.
Expectations Beneath the Surface
Someone’s expectations of you are often not stated explicitly. They emerge as requests or as a feeling that you “should” be doing something. In other words, expectations others have for us are often internalized to the extent we think they are part of how we should act and who we should be.
Expecting Others’ Reactions
Can you tolerate the look of disappointment or the exasperated sigh if you say no? For example, when you leave the dirty dishes in the sink until the next day, you get “the look”. You didn’t say, before you went to bed, that you were just too tired to do them this time because you didn’t want to be seen as irresponsible. Or you don’t like opera, but you go anyway because, otherwise, you will be seen as “not cultured.”
Feeling Controlled?
Other people keep you “in line” with their expectations without even having to state them. Sometimes you just don’t want to do what others expect you to do. Is risking their disapproval the worst thing in the world? Try it, and you might find it isn’t.
How to Say “No”
Say “no” in a way that acknowledges the expectation but also asserts what is important to you at that moment. For example, “I know you would like for me to accompany you, but I would feel out of place the whole time.”
It is possible not to meet others’ expectations and still feel okay about yourself. After all, those are their expectations; they don’t have to be your expectations to follow blindly.
Read More About How to Let Go of This Expectation
In Escaping Expectations, I realized “the pressure I felt in all arenas came from my internalized expectations more than the external ones. My expectations of myself had restricted me to the extent that I was a producer and performer rather than just being a person. “
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