“I do some things to get appreciation and approval.”
It is only natural to expect thanks for something you do for another person. If you are a people pleaser, you can end up giving, giving, giving. Since you tried to please that person by giving, you expect them to say they appreciate it and, maybe, even show some reciprocity. Yet, sometimes you do not get thanked.
When you do not receive thanks or you are not told you are appreciated, does that make you feel discounted? Or do you feel disrespected? Or even taken advantage of?
You Yon’t Always Get Appreciation or Even Approval
The other person’s reactions do not have to make you feel one way or another about yourself. After all, those reactions say more about the other person than they say about you. In Escaping Expectations I began to “discard those expectations for myself that I felt pressured to keep because I needed appreciation or approval. I realized that what other people think of me says more about them than about me.
So I began to not expect thanks or appreciation. I enjoyed the act of giving without getting anything in return. I also began to give myself approval instead of expecting to get it from someone else.
When Someone Does Not Do What You Expected
And, you do not have to “cop an attitude” about the other person who does not show appreciation or validate you. You can view that person as just not doing what you expected and you can still have a relationship with that person.
Again, don’t let your expectation of getting appreciation or validation affect how you feel about the other person or about yourself. This advice is especially important in intimate relationships.
When You Don’t Show Appreciation or Approval
Traveling in Borneo exposed me to many different cultural customs. One of the most surprising was the Chinese expectation of reciprocity. If I received a gift, I was expected to reciprocate with a gift. It took several times of not reciprocating before I realized reciprocity was the custom.
Even within the United States, a person may expect reciprocity or a thank-you note rather than just an oral “thank you.” To be culturally sensitive, it is probably better to err on the side of writing a thank-you note.
In all relationships you can validate the other person by simply repeating the essence of what you heard that person say. That doesn’t mean you are approving of that person’s message. It just means you are validating that you heard what the other person said.
You can also validate someone without approving of what they did. Again, you can disapprove of what they did but add to that a statement about how you still accept them as a person. A person is more than their behavior at a certain time.
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