The key words are “MUST” and “ALWAYS”. If you take those two words out, you have “I take care of____. Caring for another person can be a deeply rewarding experience. It feels good to help someone because you are giving back some of what has been given to you. During moments with that person, you may learn something you never knew before about the other person or about yourself. You are showing that person love.
What You Think About Yourself and What Others Think of You
Yet, what binds us to taking care of someone to the extent that we lose our own health and happiness is the feeling of guilt if you aren’t always helping. Maybe you think that person will see you as failing them if you aren’t always available. Or maybe you will think less of yourself for not always helping.
Yet, there are ways to do “care work” without having it become an unwanted drudgery.
If you “must” or “have to” take care of someone, it is very different than “wanting to” take care of someone. You can experience “care work” as rewarding or as resentful. It’s all in the way you view it.
Making Caretaking Fit into Your Life
When you take the “always” out of the expectation, you set boundaries. Your caregiving is done on your schedule, not on a 24/7 on-call schedule. Set specific times of each day that you will be available. Sometimes caregiving requires seven days a week of being there, but you can mobilize some resources (another family member or social services) to give you a day off at least every other week.
Speaking of other resources, you might be thinking, “There’s no one else to do the caretaking.” An alternative to finding someone to give you more than one day every other week off is to enlist the person you are caring for to do some things for themself. You could set out the materials for a puzzle or a project to keep that person occupied while you are away for a short while. You can put a sandwich and a drink in a mini refrigerator or a cooler next to them. You may be surprised how much that person can do for themselves.
It isn’t about not taking care of the other person. It’s about also taking care of yourself. And, if you are constantly living a life at the behest of the other person’s needs, you are going to burn out quickly.
Care for Yourself Too
It probably doesn’t seem there is enough time in the day to add in some self-care but there are several moments that can result in revitalization. Just walk outside for a moment and notice a tree, flowers, and grass. Don’t just see all of it—experience the smell and feel of the air. Tune into the sounds around you. Only 5 minutes of fully being in a moment in nature will give you the pause that counts. You can walk back into the care-taking situation refreshed and able to see what you are doing in a new way. Try it—it is worth the experience.
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