We have expectations for everyone in our lives. We may expect our child to get good grades. We may expect our partner to ask if there is anything we need before heading off to the grocery store. We may even expect a co-worker to finish their part of the project on time.
Unspoken Expectations
Often the expectation we have for another person is not directly stated. We just assume that person should be doing whatever we expect. For example, you might expect your partner to hold up their end in the division of labor. But you may not have clearly stated who is supposed to do what and when.
When Your Expectation is Not Met
When the other person does not do what you expected, you may become disappointed. Of course, no one can meet your expectations all the time. In addition, the other person may not even have known what you expected.
Effect of Complaining or Criticizing
It may seem like telling the other person you are disappointed is reasonable. But the other person may hear your disappointment as a complaint or as criticism. And complaining or criticizing damages a relationship.
How to Deal with Failed Expectations
Take a moment to think about how you deal with failed expectations. For example, you may expect your partner to wash the dinner dishes. When your partner misses an evening of doing that, what do you feel? What do you think? What do you Say?
If you begin your feedback with “you” (such as “You didn’t do the dinner dishes”—sigh), your partner will become defensive? Try just describing what you noticed, without using any “you” in the statement. A possible way of commenting is, “Last night’s dishes are still here this morning.”
Your partner can then reply without feeling criticized. This is a way to express your feelings without damaging your partner’s feelings or the relationship.
P.S. You can see the effect of expectations about others on relationships by reading Escaping Expectations.
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