Go on an adventure with a psychologist who shows you how to break free from old expectations

Are you yearning to break free from the invisible chains of expectations others have of you and you have of yourself?

Escaping Expectations takes you inside the mind of a psychologist as she explores the sights and cultures of the Borneo rainforest.

You become immersed in Muslim, Chinese, and Indigenous tribal cultures, each having different expectations for men and women. Along the way, you learn to embrace people with differing points of view and view yourself without judgment.

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Escaping Expectations details a Fulbright professor’s six-month experience in Borneo, Malaysia. It explores the challenges and insights gained from immersing oneself in a vastly different culture, covering everything from unexpected logistical hurdles and social customs to the complexities of religious and political tensions.

The author examines themes of cultural expectations, personal transformation, and the importance of empathy and connection across diverse backgrounds, ultimately reflecting on how these experiences shaped one’s worldview.

Table of Contents

I

Chapter One: Shangri-La * The Journey to Borneo:

II

Chapter Two: Free To Go * Leaving Responsibilities Behind

III

Chapter Three: Not What I Expected * Arrival and Culture Shock

IV

Chapter Four: Seeing The Usually Unseen * Political Unrest and Observation

V

Chapter Five: Becoming Malay * Adopting Local Customs

VI

Chapter Six: Surprises At The University

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Podcast

About the author

Beverly B. Palmer Ph.D

Beverly Palmer, Ph.D., has been a clinical psychology professor at California State University, Dominguez Hills for 38 years, teaching both undergraduate and graduate courses in clinical psychology and social psychology. Since 1985, she has maintained a private practice as a licensed clinical psychologist, assisting individuals and couples with a range of personal and relationship issues. She received the prestigious Fulbright Fellowship to Borneo and, again, to Malaysia because of her expertise as a psychology professor and my empathy for people from other cultures. She has authored numerous articles about interpersonal relationships in scientific publications, and in 2018, she published the self-help book Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

She has been featured in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Business Insider, and online magazines such as Success.com and Bustle.com. She has regularly contributed to the Psychology Today and The Conversation blogs and has been interviewed on numerous podcasts. She is listed as a media consultant on interpersonal relations with the American Psychological Association.

What readers said

★★★★★

Escaping Expectations follows the adventures of Beverly Palmer, a psychologist, during her six months in Borneo. Starting as a frightened American whose bank and credit cards were frozen, to becoming a professor who embraced, enjoyed, and lectured at a foreign university will thrill and entrance you. Dr. Palmer shares how she worked on her core belief that a good life isn’t about doing what others expect but about having the courage to follow your adventurous nature, wherever it might lead. Her passion is infectious! This is a 5-star read!

Art Smukler MD, psychiatrist and member of the UCLA faculty

★★★★★

In Escaping Expectations, Dr. Beverly Palmer brings the rare combination of an academic researcher’s inquiry, a painter’s eye, and a psychologist’s sensitivity to vividly recount her journey in colorful and clashing Borneo when it was still exotic, pre-Sept 2001.  I feel like I am right there with the author, visiting colorful Borneo, in awe and wonder. This book reads fast and smart, blending personal and universal truths, questioning inner and outer limitations and expectations through the lens of social upbringing and in the context of diverse cultural values.  I found the book to be beautifully written and impactful, full of practical advice and psychological insight that is especially relevant and important for anyone who wishes to navigate today’s changing and divisive times peacefully.

This adventure is full of emotional insights and psychological truths about inner and outer expectations. One phrase especially resonated with me: “I did not want others’ expectations imposed on me, nor did I want to depend on others’ opinions for my view of myself.”

Joann Ng., MD, psychiatrist and poet

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The Perfectionist Mandate

“I am a high achiever in everything I do”

High achievement is rewarded in our society so it is reasonable that you expect yourself to achieve in all you attempt. The key words in the above expectation, though, are “high” and “everything”. How “high” does your achievement really have to be? Is a “B” level sometimes acceptable? Or are you a perfectionist who must do everything perfectly? That expectation can cause you to procrastinate and, consequently, not complete the task on time.

The anxiety associated with this pressure can cause you not to perform as well as you expected Or worse, this expectation can lead to self-criticism when you do not achieve as highly as you expected to.

Stop Beating Up on Yourself

It’s bad enough that your standards are so high that you criticize yourself when you fall short of those standards.  But you may apply those standards to everything you do and expect to do everything.

Achieving “everything” is an expectation that sets you up for failure. No human is excellent at everything. Trying to do it all, all of the time will cause burnout and then you won’t be able to finish some of the tasks.

Get Out of the Perfectionism Trap

What if you allowed yourself to be less than perfect? Your standard for achievement might become lower. Then, you will still want to do a good job, but not a perfect job, but it does not have to be a perfect job. You might finish the job at even higher level than you expected and you will be free of self-criticism. You will experience pride, instead.

So be more gentle with yourself. Give yourself the same grace you probably give others.

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.'s avatar by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.

The Caretaker Contract : “I must always take care of ________.”

The key words are “MUST” and “ALWAYS”. If you take those two words out, you have “I take care of____. Caring for another person can be a deeply rewarding experience. It feels good to help someone because you are giving back some of what has been given to you. During moments with that person, you may learn something you never knew before about the other person or about yourself. You are showing that person love.

What You Think About Yourself and What Others Think of You

Yet, what binds us to taking care of someone to the extent that we lose our own health and happiness is the feeling of guilt if you aren’t always helping. Maybe you think that person will see you as failing them if you aren’t always available. Or maybe you will think less of yourself for not always helping.

Yet, there are ways to do “care work” without having it become an unwanted drudgery.

If you “must” or “have to” take care of someone, it is very different than “wanting to” take care of someone. You can experience “care work” as rewarding or as resentful. It’s all in the way you view it.

Making Caretaking Fit into Your Life

When you take the “always” out of the expectation, you set boundaries. Your caregiving is done on your schedule, not on a 24/7 on-call schedule. Set specific times of each day that you will be available. Sometimes caregiving requires seven days a week of being there, but you can mobilize some resources (another family member or social services) to give you a day off at least every other week.

Speaking of other resources, you might be thinking, “There’s no one else to do the caretaking.”  An alternative to finding someone to give you more than one day every other week off is to enlist the person you are caring for to do some things for themself. You could set out the materials for a puzzle or a project to keep that person occupied while you are away for a short while. You can put a sandwich and a drink in a mini refrigerator or a cooler next to them. You may be surprised how much that person can do for themselves.

It isn’t about not taking care of the other person. It’s about also taking care of yourself. And, if you are constantly living a life at the behest of the other person’s needs, you are going to burn out quickly.

Care for Yourself Too

It probably doesn’t seem there is enough time in the day to add in some self-care but there are several moments that can result in revitalization. Just walk outside for a moment and notice a tree, flowers, and grass. Don’t just see all of it—experience the smell and feel of the air. Tune into the sounds around you. Only 5 minutes of fully being in a moment in nature will give you the pause that counts. You can walk back into the care-taking situation refreshed and able to see what you are doing in a new way. Try it—it is worth the experience.

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.'s avatar by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.

The Disappointment Phobia

“I am not a person who disappoints other people.”

Most of us see ourselves as responsible people, and our society reinforces this expectation.

Sometimes you may inadvertently disappoint someone by forgetting what they wanted. Or you might not have been able to fit what they wanted into today’s timeslot.

You may also delay even getting started on a task because you worry about it meeting the other person’s expectations. Or you stop in the middle of a task because you become distracted or keep mulling over whether you have done the task correctly so far.

Then you may not even be able to sleep at night. You are mulling over what you did or did not do.

These behaviors are common human occurrences. You may feel that you are not fulfilling a responsibility, and then you expect the other person to be disappointed in you.

Or you worry that what you did will be judged as not good enough.                                                                                                                                                          

How to Change Your Expectation of Needing to Please

Yes, you want to do a good job, but how someone reacts to what you did or didn’t do is not your responsibility. And you do not have to judge what you are doing even before you finish.

You are not superhuman, nor are you perfect. Sometimes someone will be disappointed with what you did or, even, with you. First, describe why you were unable to do what they expected. And then let it go. If the other person expresses their disappointment, you can acknowledge their feelings, but you do not have to apologize or take responsibility for them.

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.'s avatar by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.

Which Old Expectations Do You Have?

Old expectations about yourself and others can prevent you from having the life you want. We learned many of these expectations as a child or teen, and we still carry them with us.

Check off those expectations that fit you.

  • ☐ The Caretaker Contract I must always take care of_______________.
  • ☐ The Fear of “No” If I say “no”, the other person will think less of me.
  • ☐ The Approval Seeker I do some things to get thanks and appreciation.
  • ☐ The Image Directive I should dress the way others expect me to look.
  • ☐ The Burden of Pride I do a lot so my (husband, parent, child) will be proud of me and see me as successful.
  • ☐ The Disappointment Phobia I am not a person who disappoints other people.
  • ☐ The Perfectionist Mandate I am a high achiever in everything I do.
  • ☐ The Role Play I must conform to what a (wife, husband, parent) is supposed to be and do.
  • ☐ The “Hard Work” Fallacy If I work hard, I will reap the rewards.
  • ☐ The Facade of Flawlessness I can’t let anyone see my faults.

If you checked off more than a few, you’re not alone. These aren’t personal failings; they are deeply ingrained patterns.

And while it might seem harmless to sometimes do things because you worry about what others think, the cumulative effect is devastating. When you consistently feel compelled to meet these expectations, you trade authenticity for approval. It leads to burnout, resentment, and a nagging feeling that you’re living someone else’s life.

It’s what keeps your hand hovering on the doorknob, too afraid to see what’s on the other side.

But recognizing the lock is the first step toward finding the key.

Stay tuned to discover how to modify or break free of these old expectations. Subsequent blog posts will tackle them one by one.

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.'s avatar by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.

The Image Directive

“I should dress the way others expect me to look.”

This expectation originates more from society than from individuals. One’s social group often dictates how members of that group should dress and present themselves.  Most of us want to be part of a group that represents something desirable, such as status, access to resources, or even the feeling of being accepted by others.

These pressures become strongest when one is younger. We might even put on a false front to be accepted. Or we spend a lot of money and time on social media chasing the latest fashion or physical makeover.

Societal expectations for body image can affect one’s self-esteem. Men, as well as women, experience messages about the ideal body image. These messages come from advertising, from social media, and even from just comparing ourselves to others.

Group Biases Are Expectations

The problem with identifying with a group’s norms for dress or personal physical characteristics is the exclusion of people who do not adopt those norms.  Perhaps once people see themselves as belonging to a particular group, it may be difficult to resist seeing that group as superior to others.

In Escaping Expectations,”I often examined conscious and unconscious biases because of my identification (by myself or others) with certain groups. These biases are a form of expectations that I had been trying to escape.”

Accepting Ourseves Just as We Are

Fortunately, as we age, others’ views of us, especially our appearance, usually fade. We begin to see ourselves as accepted for who we are, rather than how we look or what we do.

And we begin to accept others not in terms of their appearance or group membership, but instead as unique and valuable individuals.

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.'s avatar by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.

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